Athena: The first myth we are going to present is how the Trojan War was started.
Aphrodite: The myth is about how Eris, the goddess of strife, threw an apple between three goddesses.
Hera: The apple said “To the fairest of them all”, so the goddesses started to argue over who it should go to.
(Eris throws Golden Apple on stage)
Hera: (picks up apple) What a beautiful apple! Hmmmm… To the fairest of them all… That must be me! I am the wife of the king of the gods…
Aphrodite: I’m the goddess of beauty! It’s ME!
Athena: You are both idiots. I may not be the most beautiful, but…
Aphrodite: (interrupts) You can say that again:
Athena: (glares at Aphrodite) BUT at least I am at least a bit intellectual.
Athena: Let me rephrase that… a LOT intellectual.
Athena: I said INTELLECTUAL. You are both so thick. Anyway, I declare a democracy. Let us pick someone to choose for us.
Hera: How about Zeus?
Aphrodite: That’s not fair! He’s your husband! He’d pick you for sure!
Hera: I’m not too sure about that…
Aphrodite: How about Ares?
Hera: That’s not fair either! He has a major crush on you!
Aphrodite: And for a good reason!
Athena: Stop bickering! You two are such hypocrites-and very biased at that. Let us choose someone impartial.
Aphrodite: Like Kronos?
Aphrodite: Kronos is in pieces. Zeus chopped him into pieces with Kronos’s own sickle before throwing him into Tartarus.
Athena: No, IMPARTIAL. It means he doesn’t favor any of us.
Hera: How about Paris of Troy?
Athena: Oh, alright.
Hera: Argus, darling, go fetch Paris of Troy.
(Argus leaves, then enters with Paris of Troy and a platter of food and drink. He sets it on a table, bows, and leaves.)
Paris: hmmm… I pick… Aphrodite…no, I mean Hera… No, Athena…
Hera: I can give you power if you choose me.
Athena: I can give you wisdom if you choose me.
Aphrodite: I can give you the love of the most beautiful woman in the world.
Paris: Then I choose Aphrodite.
Hera: So Paris fell in love with Helen of Sparta.
Aphrodite: He stole her off to his homeland of Troy.
Athena: This started a giant war.
Aphrodite: It wasn’t my fault!
Athena: Was too!
(they continue to argue as Hera drags them offstage)
Athena: The next myth is about the foolish, arrogant girl Medusa and how she was defeated by the hero Perseus.
Hermes: Medusa was very vain, always admiring her reflection and bragging about her beauty.
Athena: One day, when she came to my temple, she started bragging about how beautiful she was. I decided to teach her a lesson so I turned her into a horrible monster.
Hermes: Geez, anger management issues, Athena.
Athena: (glares at Hermes) Let me finish my story, arrogant boy. Anyway, I did the same to her sisters and sent them to live on a faraway island.
Hermes: Lights, Camera, Action!
Perseus: (asleep) Hi, Hermes. Am I dreaming?
Athena: No, you died because a giant chicken stepped on you.
Athena: No, you fool! Of course you’re asleep!
Perseus: Oh. (looking downcast) But I wanted to meet Cerberus and Hades!
Hermes: (rolls eyes) Ok, well, to make it short, you need to go kill Medusa.
Perseus: Yay! I get to go kill more monsters! Thanks, Hermes!
Athena: There’s a problem. If you look in her eyes, you turn into stone.
Perseus: So I have to kill her without looking at her? Sounds like fun!
Hermes: You’ll need my winged shoes to fly to the island.
Athena: Here’s a polished shield. Keep it shiny so that you can look at Medusa’s reflection while you fight.
Perseus: Thanks so much, guys! I’ll go kill her now. See you soon! (picks up cardboard boat and goes to Medusa)
Perseus: Hi Medusa! Hermes and Athena say I need to kill you now.
Medusa: Already? I haven’t done any harm!
Perseus: (looks at statues)
Medusa: Well, not much…
Perseus: Sorry, but do you mind if I say that you’re ugly?
Medusa: Yes. (looking angry) I do mind.
Perseus: Well, it doesn’t matter now.
Medusa: Yes it does.
Perseus: No it doesn’t, because I have to kill you now.
(chases Medusa offstage, comes back on with medusa head) I did it!
Gorgon: Do you ever suffer from scaly, slithery snakes? (holds up shampoo bottle) Then you need Apollo’s Snake Away! Take it from me, all your snakes will disappear!
Gorgon: (glares at Athena) Just spread it on top of your head, put a hat on, wait till all the snakes die, and Presto! All you need to do is wait for your hair to grow back- the baldness will only remain for about a year! Side effects include vomiting, fainting, loss of hair, and pretty much anything else you can think of.
Theseus: Every year, the king of Crete orders us Athenians to send seven young men and seven young women to go be eaten by the minotaur. As you can see, this is very draining on our population, so I offered to go as one of the sacrifices and be eaten by the minotaur.
Ariadne: I still think it was a stupid idea.
King Colchis: Hurry up, let’s get this show on the road!
Theseus: Dad, I’m gonna go kill the Minotaur.
King Colchis: Good idea, son. Go for it!
Theseus: Thanks, dad. I’ll sail away on a ship with black sails. If I live, I’ll change the sails to white when I come back. If I die, I won’t change them because I would be dead.
King Colchis: Good idea, son. You make me proud!
(Theseus, Woman, and Man get in the boat)
Woman : I don’t wanna die!
Theseus: I’ll avenge your death by killing the minotaur.
Man: (glares at Theseus) Hey! You won’t have to avenge her death because I’LL save her!
Theseus: Yeah right… it’s obvious that I’ll be the only survivor.
Woman : (sarcastically) Thanks, that’s so reassuring. (rolls eyes)
King Minos: Welcome to my island!
Ariadne: (looks at Theseus) Do we have to kill him, dad? He’s so handsome!
King Minos: My little darling’s growing up! No. We have to kill him.
Theseus: (walks up to Ariadne) Hey, you want to sit next to me at dinner?
Ariadne: Sure! (walks offstage with Theseus, comes back on and puts up cardboard labyrinth)
King Minos: Ariadne, you can send the sacrifices into the maze.
Ariadne: Thanks dad!
Ariadne: (to extras) You go ahead. (extras nod and go into the maze) Theseus… I don’t want you to die… put this ball of yarn on the ground and it will lead you to the center of the maze. But you have to promise to take me back to Athens with you.
Theseus: Whatever you want, my love.
Woman: HELP! HELP! AAAAGH!
Man: RAAAAAGH! DIE MINOTAUR DIE!!!!!! AAAAAAAGH! HELP ME!!!!
Minotaur: GRUNT GRUNT RRRRAGHHH I KILL YOU GRRRRAAAARRRRR DIE SILLY HUMAN DIE GRAAAGH (throw red painted fabric over the wall)
Woman 1: Mercy! Have Mercy! AAAAAAAaaaaaagggggh…
Theseus: (looks into maze) eeew. Don’t look, Ari.
Theseus: (goes into the maze)
Ariadne: (gasps) Theseus? You ok?
Theseus: I’m fine… just fine….. AAAAAAAGHHH!
Theseus: Just kidding.
Ariadne: That was mean!
Theseus: No, it was funny.
Ariadne: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Just get going.
Theseus: (falls) AAAAAAGH!
Ariadne: Cut it out Theseus. (waits) Theseus? THESEUS?! (Charges into the maze)
( Ariadne and Theseus walk out. Ariadne holds a Minotaur head.)
Theseus: Alls well that ends well…
(all sail back home in boat)
King: AAAAA! THESEUS!
Theseus: oooops…. (glances up at sails) Well, I guess I’m king now!
Ariadne: (rolls eyes) your dad just died.
Theseus: Oh. Well… I’m still king!